1. If I had a nickel for every time my lame roommate said “what does that mean?”

    I’d have a million dollars.


    In fucking nickels.

     

  2. So then when Drew Carey was like “What’s that hip hop website where people fight?”

    I was right there to yell “WORLDSTARHIPHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

     

  3. Nap on the beach > Sex on the beach

     

  4. Passed by the America’s Got Talent auditions spot on the bus earlier

    Spoiler alert: none of them fuckers got talent 

     

  5. Last day at my internship

    And I was promised lunch and it’s already 2:30. If these fools think I’m walking away empty-stomached they must not know. 

     

  6. "I just took a shower during a conference call and no one noticed."
    — The ever so adept boss of my boss
     

  7. A riddle

    What never wears sunscreen, always complains about sunburns, and is white all over?

     

  8. Fatburger

    Had the best milkshake of all time