1. 3 May



    If I had a nickel for every time my lame roommate said “what does that mean?”

    I’d have a million dollars.


    In fucking nickels.

     

  2. 1 May



    So then when Drew Carey was like “What’s that hip hop website where people fight?”

    I was right there to yell “WORLDSTARHIPHOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

     

  3. 29 Apr



    Nap on the beach > Sex on the beach

     

  4. 26 Apr



    Passed by the America’s Got Talent auditions spot on the bus earlier

    Spoiler alert: none of them fuckers got talent 

     

  5. 24 Apr



    Last day at my internship

    And I was promised lunch and it’s already 2:30. If these fools think I’m walking away empty-stomached they must not know. 

     

  6. 23 Apr



    I just took a shower during a conference call and no one noticed.
    — The ever so adept boss of my boss
     

  7. 20 Apr



    A riddle

    What never wears sunscreen, always complains about sunburns, and is white all over?

     

  8. 20 Apr



    Fatburger

    Had the best milkshake of all time